time for myself

I am a bad mom if I don’t spend the entire weekend with my kids.

Today I really needed time for myself. It’s Sunday our weekend day, but my body is screaming give me a fucking break! I feel so heavy, physically and mentally heavy. So here is my big fear, how do I balance being there for my kids and husband and for myself? And the thoughts that came were, ‘I am a bad mom if I don’t spend the entire weekend with my kids. I want to be there with them, we don’t have that much time anyway. I can have another day off’. A year ago I wouldn’t even have considered that I had a choice, I would just be there with my husband and kids. Today, I see that I do have a choice, and it does come along with a fear of being a bad mom, of letting (maybe) my kids and my husband down when choosing myself.

So I asked my husband for a morning off. I asked whether I could just be with myself and he would take the kids. And he said of course (I have to add that he is leaving on Wednesday for a mountain bike trip for a week in Italy, so I guess that here was some wiggle room). However, it wasn’t that simple? While I am having this wonderful morning off where I meditate and write, I also started to wonder why do I need it now? And the answer came quite quickly; I’m just about to start my period. My body and mind want to prepare for this. If you would have told me about this cycles and menstruations thing a couple of years ago I would have laughed. I honestly believed that women used it as an excuse, to be chaotic, weird, or bad tempered. But now, I so believe that our bodies are telling us so much! And we just have to listen and act accordingly. My body told me, ‘I am really done with your active lifestyle, of you running around and taking care of others. I want you to be with me’.

And so I did. I meditated this morning for 30 minutes on a wonderful guided meditation on menstrual cycles, from Nic and Sam via Insight Timer. I am learning so much about my cycles, my moods, behaviours and my body cravings. Right now I am in the sorcerer cycles, pre menstruation, and this one is dark! And yes that’s how I feel! It is also erotic and sensual, also how I feel if I listen to it. Which I didn’t before. I actually really feel like having sex or orgasm. So I guess I have to act accordingly again, and surprise my husband.  I took action and listened to my body. I have given my husband quality time with the kids, time for them to connect and to create memories with the three of them. So with every fear comes a gift you give to yourself and others, a gift that you might have never thought of, but one that is surely there for you to be aware of!

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